Cupid-Challenged Mama

Dear Dana:
With Valentine's coming up, I wonder if it's finally time for me to re-consider dating and maybe even a relationship. As a single mom with a five-year-old daughter, unattached for the last 3 years, is it even possible?

-Cupid-Challenged Mama


Dear CCM

With over 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, and a higher rate among parents, you're in good company. Still, dating is definitely more challenging for single parents, who are rarely footloose and fancy-free, compared to pre-parenthood.

The first consideration is figuring out what you want. Do you just want to date for fun? Or are you only interested in someone potentially interested in more?

If it's just to kick up your heels a bit, and you're clear with your dates that's all you want, just plan for child care, and go. Keep your explanations minimal to your daughter. When you're leaving, let her know who will watch her when you're gone. Let her know when you're returning. If your date is someone your daughter doesn't already know, it's probably best they don't yet meet. Young children of single parents are at greater risk of abandonment fears, stability is important. Take your time about introducing people into your daughter's life, particularly in tenuous relationships.

It's best to be up-front with your dates that you're a mom, if they don't already know. That way, if things get more serious down the road, it won't be a surprise. As comic Rita Rudner quips: "Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

When you and your date become serious enough to consider spending time with your child, it's serious.

Then it's a good time to let your child's Dad know, assuming he's still part of your child's life. Letting Dad know before he hears it from your child improves the likelihood he'll be more supportive, and reduces the likelihood he'll put your child in the awkward spot of playing spy. If he does, encourage your child to tell Dad, "That's a good question to ask Mommy!" Keep in mind what you would want to know as a parent if Dad was introducing a prospective new partner to your daughter, who your daughter will spend time with.

Tell your daughter about your prospective partner before they meet. Explain to her why you're introducing them, and why you like your partner. Assure her her Daddy will still be as much a part of her life as he has been the last several years. Your prospective partner is your new friend, who you believe you'll both enjoy spending time with. Let her know you've "Already talked to Daddy about your friend." Listen carefully to her concerns, which will be very real to her, and address them as best you can, without losing sight of your own needs.

When relationships get even more serious, such as overnights, proposals, moving in together, ideally it's best when parents can agree in advance on how to address it, striving to avoid surprising the other parent.

With patience, skill and luck, you and your daughter can look forward to an expanding circle of loving, supportive people.



This article originally ran in Vancouver Family Magazine as a monthly column in February 2008.

Dana Greyson, Principal of Positive Change Mediation is a Certified Mediator. She focuses on helping Ex-es get along for their kid's sake. Her website is